So, I always wanted to put this out somewhere on the Internet other than in chat boxes to my friends; who usually never give feedback, just sympathy.
I have this problem.. I’m not sure if it’s Insomnia.. Insanity..
Or this is all just in my head..
But I hope typing it out in complete detail will help me sort it out.
It started happening last summer..
Someone very close to me had left.
I used to fall asleep soundly knowing that I would wake up and hear them once more.. Speak to them, receive positive feedback.. Something I had been yearning for all my life.
I thought I had finally escaped depression..
But, that’s another story, for another time, when I feel I’m ready to post, The Truth
onto the Internet.
Anyways.. After that someone, Let’s just call it, Bob, in this post…
After Bob left, of course, came the tears, and endless thoughts of never moving on and what not.
I stopped sleeping. Not sure how I even lived that summer..
I know the sunrise better than anyone I know.
I sort of got the idea that the depression came back.. Since loss or gain of sleep is a symptom..
But I didn’t think it would all come back so hard over one person.
I tried to pull myself through with the help of friends and mingling with those I had crushed on..
I gained unusual courage from this.
Honestly, I think it was desperation for happiness.. But who knows.
After I had moved on, On the outside, mind you. I started noticing I wouldn’t fall asleep at night.
Picture this;
A nice warm shower, not too steamy like you can’t breathe, and not too icy like you can’t feel your fingers; but the perfect, luxurious temperature.
After that you put on your favorite winter pajamas, Or nothing if that’s what you like.. grab your favorite book that you’re not even halfway done with, but promised yourself you would read a chapter or two that night, and hop into your bed that you precisely set up so you would have maximum comfort.
After finishing two or more chapters of the book, you decide to put it down and grab a glass of water and head to sleep.
You lay in bed, tossing a little to find that perfect spot..
But there’s something wrong.
You can’t sleep.
Maybe you are completely comfortable..
But you just can’t.
Your eyes don’t hurt.. Nor do you have a tummy ache.
Yet, you Cannot Sleep.
5 am rolls around and you get worried.
You think, “How am I NOT tired??”
“I have to get up for school in a couple of hours! This isn’t right!”
Your worrying, quickly projects to panic as you grab your phone, and dial your best friends number; in hope he/she will be awake. Or if you could manage to wake them up..
After 3 rings, you think it’s hopeless and as you’re just about to hit that end button you hear a click, and a groggy voice murmur;
“It’s 5 am.. What the Hell you want?”
You’re grateful to hear your best friend’s voice; even if it isn’t too cheery.
Before you open your mouth to speak.. You realize how stupid you’d sound saying, ‘I can’t sleep!‘
to your best friend at this time.
He/she would obviously would assume you’re shitting around with them, and hang up.
Right before you attempt to explain yourself..
Your eyes get blurry.. And your body aches, feeling like it’s trying hard to keep you up any longer.
Your panic lessens, as you realize you’re finally tired..
Listening to your friend’s voice over the phone; just puts you to sleep like a mother cooing her baby to sleep.
“Are you even listening to me??” Your friend’s voice heightening with annoyance.
“Yeah, yeah..”
You carelessly mutter back.
As your best friend goes on speaking, you lay yourself back in bed, in attempt to ease your aching muscles.
The friend’s voice starts muffling,
then fading out as your eyes close shut and your tense body finally finds its ease. Your last thought before sliding into deep slumber:
Why am I able to sleep now?
Maybe the whole “Picture This” scenario wasn’t really necessary, but I hope you get what I’m trying to put out there.
I can’t sleep unless someone is with me, or I hear someone’s voice.
And no, it cannot be a video, or music.. It has to be live. Real.
My body won’t settle for less..
Or is it my mind..?
I’m so frustrated with this bullshit.
I don’t know if it’ll ever be fixed..
And I don’t plan on seeking professional help, either..
Doesn’t seem worthy of it.
That’s what’s been on my mind lately.
Hope you enjoyed. Good night.
~A
Late Night Blogger 